and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
