In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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