Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
