I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize