We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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