sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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