I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
