I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
