If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
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If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
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I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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