She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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