No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
40s are totally the cure
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
