Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
