so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my being single is dangerous.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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