I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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