I got chris browned last night
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian