You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
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I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
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Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
what food is Colorado known for?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.