I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life