he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
