We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
a search helicopter?!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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