my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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