Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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