bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
