just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Say something about gay babies.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
