A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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