farters have to be the big spoon...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
