My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
