Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
