chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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