i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
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I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
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I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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