I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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