Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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