Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
