I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.