Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
