so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
