I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
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Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
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I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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