can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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