i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
