currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
