DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I have already put on my inside pants.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize