mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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