Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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