I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
