Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
