When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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