At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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