Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
