Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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