I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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