wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
