I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
