...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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