By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
