i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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