We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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