Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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