Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Too much gin, very little bucket
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
