I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
